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GM3YEW > HUMOR    13.03.22 10:37l 266 Lines 7835 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: Jokes 12/3
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Sent: 220312/0654Z 27559@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18



As Grandmother used to say

  A wind from the west means weather's fair. A wind from the east, foul
weather's near

-------

A friend who lives in New York City has six locks on his door all in a
row. When he goes out he only locks every other one.
 
That way no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks they are
always locking three.
 
 
-----


Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.

I'm writing this letter slowly because I  know you can't read fast.

We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 25 miles to Wexford.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that
lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't
have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It  even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though: last  week I put a load in and
pulled the
chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under
him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary  had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if
it's a boy
or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short
while and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in the Dublin
Distillery.
Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.
They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your idiot cousin Seamus was arrested while
riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.


I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me.
The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten
minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather  isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for
three days
and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid
the same egg four times.


We had a letter from the undertaker.
He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in
seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send  you, your Uncle Stanley
said it would be too heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday.. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.


Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph
was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other
two friends were in the flatbed at the back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at
this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.---
--------------
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this
is a very talented octopus.  "He can play any musical instrument in the
world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man calling him an idiot.  So he says
that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus
can't play.

A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than
Jimi Hendrix.  The guitar owner pays up the £50.

Another customer walks up with a trumpet.  This time the octopus plays the
trumpet better than Miles Davis.  The trumpet-owner coughs up the £50.

Then Jim a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table.  The octopus fumbles
with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.

Ha!" the Scot says.  "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says"Play it?  I'm going to make love to
it as
soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."


---------------------

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.  They
bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip the
pilot said the plane could only take four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. Last year we shot six and the pilot let
us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. however even with
full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few
moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreckage Paddy asked Seamus "Any idea where we are?"

"BejasusI tink we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


--------------



A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked. Soft music was playing
and the
aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress" she explained. "It excites him to
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed showered put on
her best perfume dimmed the lights put on a romantic CD and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing" he said. "What's for dinner?"

His funeral will be held next Thursday

--------------

We are in DEEP trouble...

The population of this country is approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work.

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the  UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden and fighting in Afghanistan .

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local
County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488000 people in hospitals or claiming
Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512000 to do the work.

Nowthere are 511998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

  And there you are sitting on your arse at your computer reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed
out through trying to cope on my own?

----------


Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins

On the ice in  Antarctica   - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will

mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other

members of the family and social circle have been

known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial

wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for

the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle

Around the fresh grave and sing:

        "Freeze a jolly good fellow"

        "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about
penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people

--
Best Wishes
Dave


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