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GM3YEW > HUMOR 13.03.22 10:36l 252 Lines 7874 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27483_GB7YEW
Read: GAST
Subj: Jokes 10/3
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Sent: 220310/0649Z 27483@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Green leaves and brown leaves fall from the same tree.
------------------
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally
been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers the restaurant's
owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
Â
"Quick man" he whispered to the waiter"what did they say?"
Â
"Nothing" replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds
into their pockets."
Â
Â
 -----
Thoughts
Father says to son who's"home studying," I'm concentrating on the 3Rs -
Ranting, Raving & Reprisals."
---
All women learned from Eve:
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was
hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look
at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign
from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch
didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy
and celebrate our good fortune" Then
she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle
and then handed it back to the woman The woman took the bottle,
immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Some years ago Adam ate the apple. Men will never learn!
--------
Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen
better days. As they slid in a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from
the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.
The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the
cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into
the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted
the clean cup?"
-----------
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter
was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming
to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."
----------
I've always ordered beverages one simple way, e.g. "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often
respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi,
Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, Mr. Pibb, Fanta ,YooHoo and Red Bull."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd
make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar lad at a
movie theatre for a "dark, cold, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Yes sir, and
would you like a long, thin, cylindrical plastic sucking device
with that?"
--------
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold
cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"
---------
Doctor to patient's husband: "I'm sorry. We did all that was
humanly possible but we just can't wake her from her coma. It
doesn't look good I'm afraid,"
"But doctor, she's so young. She's only thirty-nine."
Upon which the comatose wife said weakly ... "Thirty-seven."
--------
Computers on screen
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some
such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical
interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based
command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands
typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply
typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS".
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the
villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the
screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the
screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really*
advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash,
a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces
you backwards.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving
the data.
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world
before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear
to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a
password when you try to access it.
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by
any system you put it into. All application software is usable by
all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more
buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained,
because the buttons aren't labelled.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-
dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY
Supercomputer.
----------
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have
got homes to go to!'
-----------
Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird
who doesn't gobble anymore.
-----------
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a
gorgeous brunette in her mid-twenties..
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good
or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who
wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first".
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he
gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her
beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and
asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of
there."
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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