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GM3YEW > HUMOR 15.03.22 08:06l 205 Lines 7950 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27649_GB7YEW
Read: GAST
Subj: Jokes 14/3
Path: DB0FFL<OE2XZR<DB0PM<DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<PI8CDR<GB7YEW
Sent: 220314/0923Z 27649@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A tough apple skin means a hard winter
-----
Thanks Ian
 Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented....... I've forgotten where I was going with this.
 A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
 Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
 It's weird being the same age as old people.
 When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected.
 It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.
 Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.
So remember..Don't sing!
 I watch people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance!
 If you can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.
 I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
-----
Proverbs
Happy is the man who looks after his family
---
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown
with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.
-------
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta's
his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to
remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
------
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day
roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it
look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those
are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and
said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the
ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Is, Senor. Sometimes
the bull wins.
-------------
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor
on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one
Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said
'lady you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said 'NO it's not.' Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave
the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25 so I also handed her a quarter. She said'you gave me too much money.' I said 'Yes I know but this way you can just give
me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to
repeat my request. I did so and he handed me back the quarter and said 'Were
sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me
back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township
administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSI NG sign on our
road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this
is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
>From KingmanKS ..
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person
behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry but they only had
iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked 'Has
anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied
' If it was without my knowledge how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and
nodded 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing
with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the
buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled
she responded 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in WichitaKS ..
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the
company due to 'downsizing 'our manager commented cheerfully 'This is fun.
We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all
just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for
the sake of her life couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey' I
announced to the technician 'its open!' His reply'I know. I already got
that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton Mississippi
---------
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally
dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under
the table to pick them up he noticed Bob's wife Sue wasn't
wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this Jim
upon trying to sit back up again hit his head on the table and
emerged red-faced.
Later Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's
wife followed and asked' Did you see anything that you like under
there?' Surprised by her boldness Jim admitted that well indeed he
did. She said' Well you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral
costs of this offer Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons
and Jim didn't Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday
afternoon.
When Friday rolled around Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m.
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to
the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving
asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes he did stop by for
a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when
her husband curtly asked' And did he give you £500?'
Sue using her best poker face replied 'Well yes in fact he did give me
£500.'
Bob with a satisfied look on his face surprised his wife by saying 'He
came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He
promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and
pay me back.'
Now THAT my friends is a poker player
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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