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GM3YEW > HUMOR 08.03.22 08:04l 288 Lines 8694 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: Jokes 8/3
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As Grandmother used to say
If the oak flowers before the Ash we shall have a splash. If the
ash flowers before the Oak we shall have a soak
----------
Thanks JF
... just smile and say ...
Dear Lord,
I know you're watching over me
And I'm feeling truly blessed
For no matter what I pray for
You always know what's best!
I have this circle of E-mail friends,
Who mean the world to me;
Some days I 'send' and 'send,'
At other times, I let them be.
I am so blessed to have these friends,
With whom I've grown so close;
So this little poem I dedicate to them,
Because to me they are the 'Most'!
When I see each name download,
And view the message they've sent;
I know they've thought of me that day,
And 'well wishes' were their intent.
So to you, my friend, I would like to say,
Thank you for being a part;
Of all my daily contacts,
This comes right from my heart..
God bless you is my prayer today,
I'm honoured to call you 'friend';
I pray the Lord will keep you safe,
Until we write again.
WE CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE OUR MARBLES...
FOR LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!
----
Attended a Lodge Zoom lecture on the subject of the Titanic. Despite having sunk nearly 108 years ago,
when they found it - the swimming pool was still full!
---
Just read that 4153237 people got married last year. Don't want to be
nit-picky but shouldn't that be an even number?
*
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive they would
eventually find me attractive.
*
I find it ironic that the colours red white and blue stand for freedom
... until they are flashing police car lights behind you.
*
When wearing a bikini women reveal 90 8f their body. Men are so
polite they only stare at the covered parts.
*
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X
and wondered Y?
*
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean
to fight for democracy but will not cross the street to vote.
*
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?
*
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see
about that.
*
I think my neighbours is stalking me as she's been googling my name on
her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
*
They say that money talks. Sad to say but all mine ever says is good-bye.
*
You're not fat you're just . . . well . . . easier to see.
·
------
The Half-Wit
A man owned a small farm in Saskatchewan.
The Saskatchewan Provincial Wage & Hours Department claimed he was
not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them" demanded
the agent.
"Well" replied the farmer"there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for
18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
908f all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week pays his
own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit" says the agent.
"That would be me" replied the farmer
Heart Thoughts
--------------
There is only one person with whom you can profitably compare yourself
and That person is the you who lived yesterday.
When arguing with a stupid person make sure he or she isn't doing the same thing.
Putting off an easy thing makes it hard.
Putting off a hard thing makes it impossible.
I always have choices but sometimes my only choices are ones that involve
Attitude.
It's easy to avoid criticism. Say nothing do nothing and be nothing.
A person's life is like a tree -- if it doesn't grow straight and true
While it's green and young it will never grow that way when it's old and
Dry.
Four things never return: the spoken word the arrow in flight the past
Life and the neglected opportunity.
How can you tell if you're mature? Stick to a job until it's finished bear
an injustice without wanting to get even carry money without spending it
and work without supervision.
When in doubt tell the truth.
You cannot do a kindness too soon for you can never know how soon it will
Be too late.
Cows
----
A lady from the city and her travelling companion were riding the train
Through the countryside when she noticed some cows.
"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch herd "her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No a cow herd."
"What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"
---bonus cow humour---
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Paratrooper School
------------------
Now this has just gotta be true because I heard it from a Chaplain who got
It from ROTC students...
The officer said:
Paratrooper school lasts three weeks.
In the first week we separate the men from the boys.
In the second week we separate the men from the fools.
In the third week the fools jump out of airplanes.
------------------------
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian: 'Excuse
me Miss dey ye hin ony books on suicide?'
At which she stops doing what sheâ€Ös doing looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says 'Away wiâ€Ö ye. Ye'll no bring it back!'
----------------
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold
I began to get warm & sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all
by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went
through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I became so exhausted
that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
-------------
Old Timers Bar
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in The
Villages Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says 'Old Timers
Bar - all drinks 10 cents'. They look at each other and then
go in thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room'Come on in
and let me pour one for you! What'll it be Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar so each of the men ask
for a martini. In short order the bartender serves up four iced
martinis...shaken not stirred and says'That'll be 10
Cents each please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at
each other...they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40
cents finish their martinis and order another round.
Again four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender
again saying 'That's 40 cents please.'
They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can
stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less
than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says 'How can you afford to serve
Martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
' 'I'm a retired tailor from Boston' the bartender
said'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year
I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this
place. Every drink costs a dime - wine liquor beer it's all the
same."
' Wow!!! That's quite a story' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't
help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have
drinks in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were
there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks
and asks the bartender'What's with them?"
The bartender says'Oh they're all old retired farts from Scotland waiting for
happy hour when drinks are half price.'
------
Best Wishes
Dave
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