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GM3YEW > HUMOR 05.03.22 10:06l 268 Lines 8540 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27309_GB7YEW
Read: GAST
Subj: Jokes 5/3
Path: DB0FFL<DB0FHN<DB0RBS<DB0RES<PI8CDR<GB7YEW
Sent: 220305/0855Z 27309@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
It's the early bird that gets the worm
(but the second mouse that gets the cheese D.)
----
Definition of a Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. - M. Berle
---
Baptising an Irishman...
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods,
totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher
baptising people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon, he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts,"Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?
" The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer dunks him again
but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks,
"Have you found Jesus, brother?"
The drunk answers "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the
drunk again -- but this time holds him down for
about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God,
have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes,
coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
" Are you sure this is where he fell in?â€
----
Stricken
--------
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc" he says" I am so Stricken.
I have chest pains headaches back pains nausea arthritis constipation stomach cramps
Earaches burning in the eyes congested lungs..."
"Sir" says the doctor"you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers"Teeth."
Faith
-----
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise grandfatherly
Gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady who was
Obviously crying said" Pastor I was born blind and I've been blind all my life.
I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had
More faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her"Tell me do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do" she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the Cane" He said.
"Then tell them If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
Cat Personal Ads
----------------
Gentle cat conservationist seeks refined home where manners count more than mousing.
Gourmet seeks position as chief food taster.
Excellent taste in venison salmon and other fine meats. Connoisseur of cream.
Will indicate quality of all foods tasted with loud purring.
Young cat suffering delusions of lion hood requires easily scared family.
Not yet able to dispatch wildebeest will practice regularly on local wildlife.
Elderly tabby seeks employment as bed-warmer. Will keep bed warm throughout
Day in return for daily salary of Whiskas and water. Gets along well with
Similarly inclined felines of all colours and willing to work as a team or
Will cover additional beds on shift rota basis.
Mother's helper seeks post will undertake dish-licking and general purring.
Willing to supervise well-behaved children. No tail-pullers need apply.
Retired supervisor skilled in entertaining children seeks position as
Nanny/child minder. Has experience working in large unruly household. Very
Tolerant has trained large family now living overseas.
Daredevil enjoys living dangerously seeks untamed wilderness to
Explore/subdue between breakfast and evening dinner. Will keep territory
Free of children dogs rabbits and other cats. Will contribute towards own meals.
Adagio dancer and operatic singer prepared to give exhibitions any time
Need board and lodging together. Midnight performances a speciality.
Small conscientious cat willing to work hard in return for good home will
Tackle and destroy any creature up to a fair-sized moth will scare away
crane flies not afraid of spiders.
Sweet-natured well-behaved cat handicapped by enormous size needs large
Country estate. Would make ideal companion/chaperone for single person with
Strong lap good income and excellent taste in food.
Reformed juvenile delinquent seeks position with understanding family. No
Longer bites unless meals are late. Suitable replacement for guard dog.
Retired rodent-control operative seeks position controlling slow or disabled
Rats maintaining physical presence or willing to supervise younger cats.
Tortoiseshell sisters seek large cat basket sleeps 2in well appointed
Location with en-suite gas-fire. Fully-qualified lap-warmers/purrers
Willing to occupy laps on job-share basis. No mousing.
Trouble getting up in the morning? Enthusiastic feline alarm clock preset
To 5 a.m. Seeks position after previous job fell through. Punctual seven
Days/week.
Black and white cat seeks neck to warm. Suitable replacement for hot water
Bottle does not cool down during night.
Animal Jokes
------------
Teacher: "The animal kingdom is divided into what two classes?"
Student: "The aardvarks and the aaren'tvarks."
Teacher: "Have you ever hunted bear?"
Student: "No but I've gone fishing in my shorts."
Teacher: "Have you ever seen the Catskill Mountains?"
Student: "No but I've seen what they do to mice."
Teacher: "Use conscience-stricken in a sentence."
Student: "Don't conscience strickens before they hatch."
Teacher: "Analyse this sentence. `It was getting to be milking time.'
What mood?"
Student: "The cow."
Teacher: "Petroleum comes from things such as decomposed dinosaurs."
Student: "That proves there's no fuel like an old fuel."
Teacher: "What can you tell me about Dalmatians?"
Student: "The first one was spotted in 1876."
Teacher: "Use defeat deduct defence and detail in a sentence."
Brooklyn student: "De feet of de duck get under de fence before de tail."
Teacher: "A thousand elephants a year are used to make ivory keys for pianos."
Student: "Isn't it amazing that big animals can be trained to do such fine work?"
Teacher: "A single fly has millions of offspring."
Student: "How many offspring does a married fly have?"
Teacher: "What's a Hindu?"
Student: "It lays eggs."
Teacher: "I asked you to draw a horse and cart but you only drew a horse."
Student: "The horse will draw the cart."
Teacher: "If you were in Africa and saw a lion coming what steps would you
take?"
Student: "The longest steps I could."
Teacher: "The title of the former ruler of Russia was czar and the title of
his wife was czarina. What were the children called?"
Student: "Sardines."
Teacher: "Please define rebate."
Student: "To put another worm on your fishhook."
Teacher: "What animal was first out of the ark?"
Student: "I don't know. But Noah came fourth."
---------
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of
the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't all put your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good" said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said" Our family are Farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story
is' Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah, Michael do you have a story to share?" said
the teacher.
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon. Auntie Sharon was a
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit..
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky a
machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so
it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens" said the horrified teacher"what kind of moral did your daddy
tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking."
--
Best Wishes
dave
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