| |
GM3YEW > HUMOR 25.02.22 08:04l 263 Lines 7237 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 26945_GB7YEW
Read: GAST
Subj: Jokes 25/2
Path: DB0FFL<OE2XZR<OE5XBL<DB0RBS<DB0RES<PI8CDR<GB7YEW
Sent: 220225/0638Z 26945@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Cold is the night when the stars shine bright
-----
At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary I was looking through a photo
album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma so many of these styles have
come back over the years" I commented.
Â
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Granddad all this time" she
said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
Â
There's hope for me yet !
----
Some great questions brought to you by Peter Kay:
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
-------
Puns for those with a higher IQ
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
---------
Son: "Dad, we're learning about prisms at school. They're fascinating."
Dad: "That's good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you're bound to
end up in one."
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few
days later the doctor 'phones and says "Paddy, you realise you've got
sugar diabetes."
Paddy says, "Nice one, when do I fight him?"
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned
myself around and that's what it's all about.
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all
kicked off!
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and
himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't
laugh, you're next!!"
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said
"You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied>
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?
"It kills 998f all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That's easy" he said "Popeye kicked the sh*t out of them!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived
yesterday!!
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are
busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient"
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the
head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old
escort" The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been
confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being
carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have
started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
Yorkshire Jokes
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have
a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell
arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
------
The Zipper
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of
the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise
her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt
a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg, with a little smile to the
driver she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take
the step.
About this time, a large Kentuckian who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you
touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Kentuckian smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.
--------------
Doctor
------
The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent
Operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the
Drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's
Sober?"
==========
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father,
Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... Been out
a while. Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for
Sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer
£300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call
Stephanie.
--------------------
As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in
an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without
hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . And in conclusion, gentlemen,
credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this
office with just one chair
--------------------
Course language
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
Over at him and asks the question ........
Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do!"
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you re-marry?"
Husband: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
Wife: You would?" (with a hurt look)
Husband: (makes an audible groan)
Wife: "Would you live in our house?"
Husband: "Sure, it's a great house."
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "Probably, it is almost new."
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: Would you give her my jewellery?"
Husband: "No, I'm sure she would want her own."
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, she's left-handed."
Wife: - - silence --
Husband: "Shit."
---
Best Wishes
Dave
Lese vorherige Mail | Lese naechste Mail
| |
