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GM3YEW > HUMOR 23.02.22 08:04l 267 Lines 7137 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 26854_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jokes 23/2
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Sent: 220223/0653Z 26854@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Words that come from the heart stay warm three winters long
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Thanks C T
4 There are two ways of arguing with a woman. Neither works!
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Churchillian Quotes
9. One man with conviction will overwhelm a hundred who only have
opinions.
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Some great questions brought to you by Peter Kay:
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say 'I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes
out'?
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Random Acts Of Thinking
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The problem with sneezing these days is that my bladder thinks it needs to
Be involved.
Whenever I do a jigsaw puzzle, I'm always missing a piece . The piece
Where the whole thing is fun, for instance.
I wanted to have my stomach stapled, but it cost too much ... So I had it
Paper-clipped.
I asked what the difference was between a mime and a pantomime. No one
Would say.
There's a new two-step program for people addicted to line dancing.
If I had a penny for every hour I sat in front of the TV ... I could get
One of those really good high-definition plasma sets.
My doctor says I'm digging my own grave with a knife and fork. Does that
Count as exercise?
Next year we're going to spend our vacation somewhere near our budget.
I nearly made a fortune. I invented the steel-belted radio. Missed it by
That much.
Is a mushroom a good place to keep your mush?
I bought a device that slices right through the packaging on CDs, but I
Can't get it out of the box.
I'd gladly trade service with a smile for service with a brain.
I thought I lost my moustache. Turns out it was right under my nose the
Whole time.
When I was in grade school, my teachers told me I was just taking up space.
And that's how I became an astronaut.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet "Best
Before The End."
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
Name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it
Down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
The custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
On?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
Anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
Outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
First."
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo."
He said "You're closest."
Cultivate
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Morris Epstein, while applying for U.S. Citizenship, was taking his oral
Exam. He was asked to spell "cultivate," which he did correctly.
Then he was asked to use the word in a sentence.
His face took on the expression of one lost in thought, then he brightened
Up and said, "Last veek on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it
Was too cultivate, so I took a taxi home."
What Do You Call A Scout?
-------------------------
What do you call a scout that is...
Hanging on your living room wall: Art
Sleeping in your mail box each month: Bill
Camping on the beach: Sandy
Floating in the lake: Bob
Sitting in the sun too long: Wilt
Falling in the campfire: Frank
Stuck in the latrine: John
Throwing up: Ralph
Rock climbing: Cliff
Struck by lightning: Rod
Shaving for the first time: Nick
Getting pushed underwater by another scout: Duncan
Coming home from camp: Dusty
Locked in a bank vault: Rich
Juror
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A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the
definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional
killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of
sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's
Mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury
candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed
with my neighbour. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could
have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.
Computer , the species of Calculus Interruptus
Cats
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"You can train a cat to do anything it wants to do."
Staged Wedding
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As supposedly reported on CNN:
Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let
It be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (I. e. expected to Attend).
The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests.
The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the
wedding went through the full ceremony, including the Dancing afterwards.
The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break.
The last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The Law Won".
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Coarse
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Jim O Shachter
Intae the wids amongst the trees
Jim bared his Erse his cheeks tae ease
Nae sooner had his breeks gan doon
The shitty fleas were swarmin roond
Intae the wind he bared his baws
And fae his Erse a big keech faws
The reek it curled among the trees
Twas enough tae mak the buirdies sneeze
An a` the beasts in burn and ditch got a whiff o something rich
Big Jim was in affy pain
When it came oot his Erse like a nine pund wean
There was a tear fell fae his ee
For a bigger shite you will never see
Big Jims Erse wiz affy sair
Said Big Jim I`ll shite nae mair
Yonder it lay among the grit
A great big steamin muckle shit
There it lay sae saft and fresh
Nae hair, nae teeth, nae brains, nae flesh
Tae dicht his Erse Jim used a docken
While a` aroond the burds were boaken
Jim happed it up wi` stanes and stoor
Then sauntered aff across the moor
A wee bit quicker wi` being sae light
Efter ridding himsel o` that muckle shite
Noo I`ve telt you this tale fur a bit o` laughter
A tale ye can tell for ever after
I tell ye noo I swear it`s true
The tale o` Jim o` Shachter
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Best Wishes
Dave
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